Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

2009
Starring: Who cares
Directed by: A black guy

Before I start this, I have to reference 30 Rock. They referenced a porn parody of Precious, titled "Fresh-Ass: Based on the Novel Tush by Assfire." HAHAHAHA. HA.

I hate this movie with all of my heart. When I was in high school, I was on speech and debate, and I focused on dramatic and humorous interpretations, aka 10 minute monologues. Most people in dramatic interp would do very dramatic pieces about rape/abuse/death and end up sobbing and pounding their fists on the floor and quivering their screamo voices. I always ended up rolling my eyes because, really, how hard is it to get all worked up and cry? As a woman, you are born with that gift (curse?). Anywho, that's what Precious was to me.

Precious is really fat. Like, morbidly obese. Not, Real Women Have Curves Go Get 'Em Diva Work It chubbiness. More like, Type 2 Diabetes electric scooter shopping cart can't walk up a flight of stairs obese. It's driving me nuts that Gabourey Sibide (is that her name?) is going around to all these interviews talking about wanting all these leading roles as the love interest and comedic blah-dy blah blah. Girl, you aren't Jennifer Hudson. You're not America Fereirra. Lose some weight or you're gonna DIE. On Demand promotes Precious as a story about "An overweight teenager." No! NO!

It's good to get all that off my chest. I couldn't help but think...damn...this girl needs a nutritionist! Pronto!

I didn't think Gabourey or Monique were particularly talented. Precious is all "mumble mumble caveman bad grammar mumble" and Mo'nique is all, "RAHRAHRAHSLAPSLAPCRYCRYCRYGRRRRRRRRRR!" and Precious is all, "wahhhhhhhhhh" and then Mongo is like, "blublublublubretardednoises" and then Paula Patton is all "My favorite color is purple" and Precious is all "mumblemumbleHIVmumblecry" and Mariah Carey is all, "I can help you!"

I imagine that whenever the camera stopped rolling, everyone was crying and telling each other how powerful this whole thing is. Self-important, over-the-top crapppppppppppp.

F