Directed by: David Slade
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg and Mormon Idiot
Starring: Werewolves, vampires, and Kristin Stewart
Oh, you know...it's a Twilight movie. It's boring. They're pretty. Eyerolls galore. I wish these movies would really GO for it, you know? Maybe it's because the story isn't interesting enough to carry a super campy style, but I think they could do it. I want more pizzazz! Even WORSE acting! Swelling scores (no more Muse, please?)! Sex (fucking Mormons)! I want to see vampire limbs get ripped off, not shatter into lame sparkly little pieces! I want to see werewolves transform back into naked teenage boys! I want to see Kristin Stewart play with her hair and I want to hear R-Patz accidentally slip into his British accent. I want the vamps to still wear purple lipstick and have contact lens lines. Where are the sassy one-liners?
It's kind of like Hairspray. Or Glee. Both things I SHOULD be really into, given my susceptibility to gay shit that 12 year old girls like (BIEBER FEVER!). Both things that bore the hell out of me. They like energy. Self-reflexivity. All these teeny-bopper markets should take a cue from the High School Musical Trilogy--don't take yourself too seriously, and cheese it up! We love that! It's not like you're trying to win any Oscars. Right!?